'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
