Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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