If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
