I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
