Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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