My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
