The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
