this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
