ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
