You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
