Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
