I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
