I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
