dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
