I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
