i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
