He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
