I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
