My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
