STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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