what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
