I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
