Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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