It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
