I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
