I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
