Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
