youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you win again, gameday.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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