there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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