The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
