I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
