How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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