im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
