I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
