is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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