And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
