currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
