My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We don't watch enough power rangers
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
