I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
