I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
50% drunk capacity currently
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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