if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
someone owes me an orgasm
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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