i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
