Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
