Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
