My friends, they love my intelligence
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
