I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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