so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
my shit smells like andre
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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