I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
