i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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