why didn't you poke me back
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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